Loving someone struggling with addiction is one of the most painful things you can go through. Often, you want nothing more than to help – to save. But when love turns to self-destruction, control or constant worry, it can be about codependent.
What is codependency?
Codependency is a condition in which a person’s life is heavily influenced by another person’s problems – often addiction, mental illness or other destructiveness. Co-dependents often shift their focus from themselves to the other person. They lose touch with their own needs, feelings and boundaries.
It is an invisible disease, often characterized by shame and guilt, where relatives get stuck in a pattern of wanting to fix, help and take responsibility – until they themselves feel bad.
Signs of codependency
- You feel a great responsibility for the well-being of others – more than for your own.
- You adjust your needs, emotions and behaviors so as not to “interfere”.
- You have difficulty saying no, setting limits or letting go.
- You feel anxiety, a need to control or guilt when you try to distance yourself.
- You think: “If only I do the right thing, maybe they’ll change.”
It often starts small
Many codependents don’t even realize when it starts. There may be small compromises, attempts to ‘help’, avoid conflict – and suddenly you have built a whole life around someone else’s addiction. Sometimes there are also patterns from childhood – where as a child you may have had to take responsibility for a parent or sibling.
You are not alone – and it is not your fault
The most important thing to understand is that you are not alone. Millions of people around the world have been, or are, in codependent relationships. And you are not to blame for the other person’s problems – no matter how much you have tried to help.
Letting go is not the same as giving up. It is giving responsibility back to the one it belongs to – and taking care of yourself.
The way back to yourself
- Seek support. There are groups for carers (such as Al-Anon, ACA, CoDA) where you can meet others in the same situation.
- Set limits. It is not selfish to say no – it is self-respect.
- Talk to someone. A therapist with experience of codependency can help you understand your patterns.
- Allow yourself to feel. Anger, sadness, fear – all emotions are allowed. You don’t have to be strong all the time.
- Build a life for you. What do you think you about? What do you long for? you After? Codependency makes us forget, but it can be remembered again.
Concluding words
Codependency is a form of love gone astray. It’s understandable, human and often deeply caring. But to truly love – without losing ourselves – we sometimes have to do the hardest thing of all: choose ourselves first.
And it is not selfish. It is necessary.
Niki Valinger
Leg. Nurse
